Love & Money: The Secret Sauce To A Stronger Marriage

Let’s be real: money is one of the top reasons couples call it quits (second only to infidelity, yikes). But what makes financial disagreements hit so much harder than fights about chores or parenting? Money isn’t just numbers—income in, expenses out; it’s tied to some of our deepest values, security, freedom, and even control. This is why the weight loss industry, as of 2024, is worth over USD$160 billion, because we know weight loss is so much more than the basic equation of calories in, calories out, the deeper-seated emotions and societal norms make for a very complicated formula, and the same can be said about personal finances. When we further convolute the matter with how we were raised to think about (or avoid) money, and it’s no wonder so many couples find themselves in financial stand-offs.

Here’s the thing, money conversations don’t come naturally to most of us, let’s first normalize this. Between the taboo of discussing finances and the emotional baggage we all carry, and perhaps the years (nay, decades) of fights about money, it’s easy to see why many couples find household money so draining. But let’s face it, using the same old, ineffective tactics or dodging money talks altogether doesn’t solve the problem; it only makes things worse.

Today, we’re diving into why talking about money, in a healthy way, is relationship CPR, the classic mistakes we’ve all made (you’re not alone!), and some doable ways to keep finances from becoming the next great drama in your love story.

Why Do Couples Fight About Money?

It’s Taboo

For decades, money has been one of the most avoided topics in relationships. Stanley and Einhorn (2007) discuss the heart of marital therapy and observe that money sits alongside sex and religion as one of the great “taboo” topics in polite society, but unlike sex or religion, money gets the least attention, even in spaces where it could make a significant difference (couples therapy!) Thankfully, financial therapy is an emerging discipline in the last decade that is starting to address the holistic view of finances, especially how it is addressed in the home between couples. 

The cultural silence around money has created a breeding ground for misunderstandings. When couples avoid talking about finances, they often assume they’re on the same page about spending, saving, or financial goals, only to discover later just how far apart they are. Adding to the problem is the fact that financial literacy was never prioritized in our upbringing. Most of us were never taught how to navigate money effectively, leaving many of us ill-equipped to have productive financial conversations. Nearly two-thirds (64%) of Canadians admit they didn’t receive any financial literacy education in school, making it even harder to approach these important discussions (Edward Jones, 2024). 

The result? A tendency to avoid the topic entirely or argue when it inevitably comes up. Dew (2009) found that money arguments ranked among the strongest predictors of divorce, more than fights about sex, or in-laws. 

It’s Emotional

Money isn’t just about math. It’s wrapped up in emotions, values, and childhood experiences. For some, money represents security or freedom. For others, it’s tied to identity, power, or love. We all come to the table with different lenses, stories and scripts around money, which sometimes means we might speak an entirely different language than our partner. These emotional meanings shape our financial decisions more than we realize; behavioural finance experts estimate emotions drive up to 90% of financial choices. 

This emotional weight is why financial arguments often feel more intense and personal than other disagreements. A 2012 study (Dew et al.) revealed that money arguments last longer, are more heated, and leave a deeper emotional scar than disputes over chores, parenting, or even intimacy.

Complicating matters further, many couples have mismatched financial personalities. Tightwads and spendthrifts are often drawn to each other, but this can lead to repeated conflict when their spending habits clash. Without open communication about these differences, the arguments can spiral into frustration and feelings of incompatibility.

The True Cost of Never Solving the Problem

The Domino Effect

Financial stress rarely stays contained within a relationship. It spills into other areas of life, affecting work performance, parenting decisions, and even physical health. A stressed-out parent worrying about unpaid bills may find it harder to be patient with their kids. Similarly, financial strain can make career challenges feel insurmountable, creating a domino effect of stress and dissatisfaction that impacts the entire household.

Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity, hiding purchases, secret accounts, or significant debts, is more common than you might think. This type of secrecy is solely driven by a desire to avoid arguments or maintain control over personal spending (Vrij, 2000), which is a cycle couples find themselves in when the problem is never addressed. The damage it does to a relationship can be profound. Couples who discover financial secrets often report lower marital satisfaction and struggle to rebuild trust.

A New Way Forward 

If you’ve found yourself frustrated over your partner’s spending, or let’s be honest, if you’re tired of what feels like a never-ending credit card bill, it’s time to tackle the issue head-on, but not with frustration or blame. Money conversations are tricky, and starting them off with accusations is a sure-fire way to end up arguing instead of solving the problem. So, here’s a framework for approaching these talks in a way that’s productive, actionable, and doesn’t leave either of you feeling attacked.

1. Schedule a “Money Date”

The best financial conversations happen when both partners feel calm and ready to engage, so pick a low-pressure time to sit down together. This isn’t the kind of talk to have after a stressful day at work or when you’re in the middle of paying bills. Instead, make it a “money date”, grab a coffee, a glass of wine, or whatever helps you both feel at ease and set aside a neutral time to talk.

Start the conversation with a shared goal in mind: “I want us to feel less stressed about money,” or “I want us to plan for the things we care about together.” Framing the conversation around your shared future helps shift the tone from confrontation to collaboration.

2. Focus on Transparency, Not Blame

One of the biggest mistakes couples make in money talks is leading with criticism: “You’re spending too much on X,” or “Why can’t you stick to the budget?” Instead, focus on creating transparency around your finances. Tools like Safe, our personal finance app, are designed to make money conversations easier and to get both partners on the same page.

Safe allows you to connect all your accounts and view your finances in one place, no mental math is required. The “Aligned Accounts” feature enables both partners to see spending and balances in real time, reducing the guesswork and suspicion that often fuels frustration. Instead of debating over purchases, you can see where the money is going and use that clarity as a starting point for decisions. This is a great tool to stay up-to-date on daily spending, instead of getting blindsided at the end of the month. 

For partners who find budgeting restrictive, our “Safe to Spend” feature calculates how much is available for “fun” spending after covering bills and savings goals (based on the proven 50/30/20 rule) This helps reframe “budgeting” to more of a celebration of spending, and eliminates the ambiguity that often leads to arguments. 

3. Set Ground Rules for Spending

Rather than focusing on past spending (which often leads to blame), use this conversation to set some soft boundaries for the future. For example:

Agree on a spending threshold for big purchases (e.g., “Anything over $300, we’ll decide together”).

Discuss which categories you both feel comfortable spending more freely on (like dining out or hobbies) and which should have tighter limits.

Set shared goals, such as saving for a vacation, paying off debt, or building an emergency fund, to give both partners a sense of purpose around their finances.

4. Acknowledge Emotional Baggage

We would be amiss to not mention that money is more than numbers. If your partner tends to spend more than you’re comfortable with, or your partner feels discouraged about your spending, consider what might be driving those habits. Set a timer for 5 minutes and grab a piece of paper and pen, write out any and all reasons, feelings and thoughts about spending. Remember, zero judgment zone! Are these patterns of spending a way to express love or reduce stress? Are you being overly critical because of your fears about security? You might be surprised by what you and your partner find around more than just numbers. 

These conversations around emotions can be hard, they are not second nature to a lot of us. Safe’s built-in AI chatbot, trained to provide financial therapy insights, can help facilitate these emotional conversations. It offers a non-judgmental way to explore questions like, “What does money mean to me?” or “How can we align our financial goals?”. Another option is inquiring about a financial therapist who can work with couples to explore a new path forward with effective strategies. 

5. Celebrate Wins Together

Finally, don’t forget to celebrate progress, no matter how small! Whether it’s sticking to a spending boundary for a month, hitting a savings goal, or simply having a successful conversation about money, acknowledge those victories. It may sound silly but positive reinforcement makes it easier to keep working together, even when finances get tricky.

Conclusion

Money matters, AND it doesn’t have to be a source of conflict. By opening up about finances, understanding each other’s values, and working together toward shared goals, couples can transform financial stress into a source of strength.

The key is to start the conversation. It might feel awkward or even tense at first, but every step you take toward financial transparency is a step toward a stronger, more connected partnership. Whether you’re planning for the future, managing day-to-day expenses, or just trying to get on the same page, remember: you’re in this together.

So, grab a glass of wine, schedule a money date, and start talking. The payoff? A marriage that’s not just surviving, but thriving.

Siobhan Hamilton holds a master’s degree in clinical psychology and has worked as a psychometrist and adjunct faculty member in psychology. Growing up with little to no financial literacy, she often struggled with managing her money. Turning to research in behavioural psychology and economics, she developed Safe, an AI-powered app designed to help Canadians build confidence and clarity around their finances, without the outdated constraints of restrictive budgeting. Her mission is to reduce the mental load around money and create peace in the household. Siobhan lives in Hamilton with her husband and five children.

https://www.safemoneyapp.ca/